Domestic violence information-Sat. March 28, 2009

Statistics from the ODVN (Ohio Domestic Violence Network)
Statistics only cover what is reported. Many acts of violence and abuse are not. Many times, the domestic violence charge is reduced to a lesser charge of dissorderly conduct or dismissed entirely. He may go through drug and alcohol classes, mental health classes, anger management classes and breezes through them with flying colors, (being the nice guy through it all, conning everyone along the way, so he can get back to his life with his victim.)
One out of four women are battered in the United States and have violence and abuse in their lives.
8% of high school girls/teens, are forced to have sex.
40% of teenage girls, ages 14-17 are hit by their boyfriends. (These numbers are very possibly much higher as teens often times do not report the abuse to anyone such as a parent, guardian or police).
25% of pregnant women are abused. (This statistic can also me much higher because the abuse is not reported.)
The majority of victims of "Stalking" are women. This usually arises out of a domestic violence action.
Some victims do not get the "honeymoon phase" because they do not feel their abuser have even the love for her to give her that. Most often, when they return to their abuser, or allow him back, the violence and abuse escalates.
The most unsafe time for a victim of domestic violence and abuse is when she does leave. That is when he loses control over her and will do anything to get her back.
Domestic violence is totally a learned behavior. (It is not genetic or inherited-but he may use the excuse, "Well, I was abused as a child, teen, etc.) In that case, why would you do the same thing to someone you love? Would you not seek help of so many resources today to not be a violent and abusive person?
It can be unlearned if he is willing to do so.
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive, coercive behavior. It is illogical behavior.
Food for thought:
Breaking away is an extremely difficult decision for a victim of violence and abuse. Many things have to be considered before it can be done. Most often the victim does not want to end the relationship, but just wants the abuse and violence to stop.
She tries to fix things to no avail. An abuser has to recognized his violent and abusive behavior, seek help, and want to change. Very few do. They feel justified in their actions and do not want to lose the control they have over their victims.
For a victim to leave, it is possible her resources are very limited. There may not be a "safe house" in her area, or even a Victim Advocate for her to talk to. When this is the situation, she is stagnant in her situation with no way our or help. Many times the isolation the abuser has her in, i.e. no contact with family, relatives, friends, or isn't allowed to have a job, or if she does he controls all the money. Just having the secret isolates the victim.

Most times the victim is completely exhausted from demanding needs of the abuser and the children, and doesn't have any time for herself. She is caught up in all the demands placed on her. With very low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, no resources, no money, no car, limited education and skills, she is stuck. Plus, the threats are constant. He tells her she is worthless, no one will want her, no one else can have her, she is a terrible mother (he cannot be a mother or feel as a mother does because he does not have the parts), she is a terrible housekeeper, (even though she works diligently and the house is clean and in order-even arranging the cans in the cupboard alphabetically), and sharing responsibilities is out of the question as everything is her fault.

She does not know how to be assertive or set boundaries, as he has complete control over her.
More threats: Tells the kids lies and they believe him. Hits the kids saying to them, "Mommy wanted me to do that. She doesn't like you." They do not have a clue who he really is.

He preys on the victim's fears. Takes what she says and turns it around or says: "You're crazy. I never said that!" He will do all he can to push her buttons to the limits. Threatens to cheat, kicks her out, locks her out of the house, rips the phone off the wall, smashes the computer, makes stuff up to make himself look good and her look bad. He knows he can do certain things that are not law-breaking and will do all he can to push her to her limits.

Only when she has had enough, fears for her life and safety and the safety of her children, she may break away.

Still she loves him. In her eyes he is "all knowing and powerful...even omnipotent" He says he is sorry. He'll not do it again. He'll quite drinking/doing drugs, be a better husband and father. She takes him back once again, believing him. Then it is worse. Her heart is broken, her life is shattered, he lied again.
Unless she thinks with her brain and not with her heart, she will stay and not leave. Unless she can educates herself, learn that his behavior is not normal and definitely not acceptable in any form of violence and abuse, admits he is violent and abusive, he will not change. Unless she must seeks help, learns to be assertive, set boundaries, respect herself, (he does not), she will not leave. He will never change, and she cannot change him.

The greatest gift a woman can give herself or her children is to get out of an abusive and violent relationship. She must teach her children this behavior is not normal and cannot be tolerated. There are many resources today to help women in violent and abusive relationship if she can get to them. Many victims cannot go the the library and check a book out, as her fear of him finding it can cause even more violence, so she tries to read or seek resources for the short time she is there. (It is very possible he will check the mileage on the car, then question where she went besides the store, causing even more anger with him.)

It is always her choice, and we must be there for her to get a life beyond it. We must not be judgmental for we are not in her shoes. She is in a very difficult and extremely emotional roller-coaster ride to overcome. But, it can be done. Many have survived, moved beyond, and have gone on to a better life. A victim never forgets, she just learns she can break away and have a better life.

Stay safe, be blessed. I'll be back tomorrow morning. I'm going to do a fund-raiser for the CCAPl this morning.
Take care,
Becky :)