Domestic violence information-Sat. March 28, 2009

Statistics from the ODVN (Ohio Domestic Violence Network)
Statistics only cover what is reported. Many acts of violence and abuse are not. Many times, the domestic violence charge is reduced to a lesser charge of dissorderly conduct or dismissed entirely. He may go through drug and alcohol classes, mental health classes, anger management classes and breezes through them with flying colors, (being the nice guy through it all, conning everyone along the way, so he can get back to his life with his victim.)
One out of four women are battered in the United States and have violence and abuse in their lives.
8% of high school girls/teens, are forced to have sex.
40% of teenage girls, ages 14-17 are hit by their boyfriends. (These numbers are very possibly much higher as teens often times do not report the abuse to anyone such as a parent, guardian or police).
25% of pregnant women are abused. (This statistic can also me much higher because the abuse is not reported.)
The majority of victims of "Stalking" are women. This usually arises out of a domestic violence action.
Some victims do not get the "honeymoon phase" because they do not feel their abuser have even the love for her to give her that. Most often, when they return to their abuser, or allow him back, the violence and abuse escalates.
The most unsafe time for a victim of domestic violence and abuse is when she does leave. That is when he loses control over her and will do anything to get her back.
Domestic violence is totally a learned behavior. (It is not genetic or inherited-but he may use the excuse, "Well, I was abused as a child, teen, etc.) In that case, why would you do the same thing to someone you love? Would you not seek help of so many resources today to not be a violent and abusive person?
It can be unlearned if he is willing to do so.
Domestic violence is a pattern of assaultive, coercive behavior. It is illogical behavior.
Food for thought:
Breaking away is an extremely difficult decision for a victim of violence and abuse. Many things have to be considered before it can be done. Most often the victim does not want to end the relationship, but just wants the abuse and violence to stop.
She tries to fix things to no avail. An abuser has to recognized his violent and abusive behavior, seek help, and want to change. Very few do. They feel justified in their actions and do not want to lose the control they have over their victims.
For a victim to leave, it is possible her resources are very limited. There may not be a "safe house" in her area, or even a Victim Advocate for her to talk to. When this is the situation, she is stagnant in her situation with no way our or help. Many times the isolation the abuser has her in, i.e. no contact with family, relatives, friends, or isn't allowed to have a job, or if she does he controls all the money. Just having the secret isolates the victim.

Most times the victim is completely exhausted from demanding needs of the abuser and the children, and doesn't have any time for herself. She is caught up in all the demands placed on her. With very low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, no resources, no money, no car, limited education and skills, she is stuck. Plus, the threats are constant. He tells her she is worthless, no one will want her, no one else can have her, she is a terrible mother (he cannot be a mother or feel as a mother does because he does not have the parts), she is a terrible housekeeper, (even though she works diligently and the house is clean and in order-even arranging the cans in the cupboard alphabetically), and sharing responsibilities is out of the question as everything is her fault.

She does not know how to be assertive or set boundaries, as he has complete control over her.
More threats: Tells the kids lies and they believe him. Hits the kids saying to them, "Mommy wanted me to do that. She doesn't like you." They do not have a clue who he really is.

He preys on the victim's fears. Takes what she says and turns it around or says: "You're crazy. I never said that!" He will do all he can to push her buttons to the limits. Threatens to cheat, kicks her out, locks her out of the house, rips the phone off the wall, smashes the computer, makes stuff up to make himself look good and her look bad. He knows he can do certain things that are not law-breaking and will do all he can to push her to her limits.

Only when she has had enough, fears for her life and safety and the safety of her children, she may break away.

Still she loves him. In her eyes he is "all knowing and powerful...even omnipotent" He says he is sorry. He'll not do it again. He'll quite drinking/doing drugs, be a better husband and father. She takes him back once again, believing him. Then it is worse. Her heart is broken, her life is shattered, he lied again.
Unless she thinks with her brain and not with her heart, she will stay and not leave. Unless she can educates herself, learn that his behavior is not normal and definitely not acceptable in any form of violence and abuse, admits he is violent and abusive, he will not change. Unless she must seeks help, learns to be assertive, set boundaries, respect herself, (he does not), she will not leave. He will never change, and she cannot change him.

The greatest gift a woman can give herself or her children is to get out of an abusive and violent relationship. She must teach her children this behavior is not normal and cannot be tolerated. There are many resources today to help women in violent and abusive relationship if she can get to them. Many victims cannot go the the library and check a book out, as her fear of him finding it can cause even more violence, so she tries to read or seek resources for the short time she is there. (It is very possible he will check the mileage on the car, then question where she went besides the store, causing even more anger with him.)

It is always her choice, and we must be there for her to get a life beyond it. We must not be judgmental for we are not in her shoes. She is in a very difficult and extremely emotional roller-coaster ride to overcome. But, it can be done. Many have survived, moved beyond, and have gone on to a better life. A victim never forgets, she just learns she can break away and have a better life.

Stay safe, be blessed. I'll be back tomorrow morning. I'm going to do a fund-raiser for the CCAPl this morning.
Take care,
Becky :)

Sun. morning, March 22, 2009

Hello, everyone,

I sure had a great time yesterday at Border's in Medina, Ohio. Debby Carlson and her staff are very caring individuals. My book sales went well and I talked with so many people. I did hand out some literature and gave away many bookmarks. I sure am grateful for the opportunity to be there. I'm going back in August of this year. Debby is going to put the remaining three of my books in the "Autobiography Section" in the bookshelves to the right as you enter the store. Cool!

I did a really dumb thing last night. (Seems to happen more as I age). Burned my right index finger in the fireplace last night. I had thrown a log onto the fire but it was sticking out in front so I reached to pick it up to put it farther back in the grate and my finger touched/seared on the 1000+ degree grate! What an owie! It throbbed and thumped for a couple hours. I immersed it in cold water for quite a while, and as soon as I would take it out of the water it would burn like crazy! Hubby suggested putting Bag Balm on it and wrapping it with soft bandage material and tape. I did this and it calmed down right away. Whew. I sat and watched T.V. after supper with my hand in the air. That seemed to help too. It is much better this morning and I'm able to type at least. The blister is enormous and I'm fortunate I didn't do more damage. Lesson learned.

I've got a really busy week coming up. Work on Monday, two meetings on Tuesday, Wednesday I'm meeting a friend for lunch as we haven't had a chance to get together for ages, more outside work to get done, Thursday is a speaking engagement at one of the schools for the CCAPL, then Friday getting things ready for a membership drive at Dollar General Market in town for the CCAPL. Plus the usual home stuff to take care of and websites and more.

Sure hope you all are enjoying this better weather. Although it has been cool the last couple days, it is grand to hear the many birds singing their glorious songs and we can hear the Peepers across the road in the neighbor's pond. The frogs in our pond are all doing well as are the fish. I've been feeding the fish twice daily now. Some of the pond plants are starting to form, especially the Spadderdock in the center. I did a lot of yard and flower bed cleaning for about three days and had to take a break. My back told me this!

Gotta go for now.
Sure hope you have a great week and thanks so much for stopping by and for your emails and uplifting comments.
Take care, be blessed, and stay safe.
My best,
Becky :)

Sun. morning, March 15, 2009

Greetings, everyone,
Thanks for stopping by this week and good to hear from you as always!

The weather is starting to break and spring is on the way! Yippee! I worked all day yesterday outside cleaning flower beds, raking leaves, dead-heading flowers until my back said "Enough!" I will resume today cleaning up more flower beds. I never gave it a thought, years ago when I put all the flower beds together, how tiring it is. Now that I'm older I realize my older body can still do it, but it takes so much longer. (I have to be so careful not to stress my two herniated discs in my lower back. I have to rest more often.) Yet, the end result is worth it as the new shoots of flowers I planted start there journey upward to produce the hundreds of so many varieties that last all season long. It is worth it.

I was invited to join a new author's group on the Internet. www.bookmasons.ning.com. They have one section on domestic violence and abuse. It is in my plan to post my expertise and wisdom in this subject to educate the public or anyone visiting on the many areas of domestic violence and abuse. The more we learn, the less likely we are to become a victim. (The link is on my home page.)

Tigger-Digger is really becoming a great kitty! When we open the door to the basement, she flies down the steps and makes herself at home. She spends some time exploring, playing with her toys, then she settles down on my lap in front of the fire and takes a nap. Playing and exploring can be so tiring!

Some of the pond plants are starting to surface and I am feeding the fish once again. As soon as the water gets a little warmer, I'll venture down into the pond and do some cleaning that I cannot reach from the edges. The water is still very cool, so it will probably be around May I'll make it down there, unless I buy a pair of wader pants.

Hubby and I brought out the picnic table yesterday from the garage for in the back yard. A very definite sign of spring! I've also started cooking on the gas grill on the back porch. We sure love grilling! Yesterday we went into a local appliance store to purchase a new microwave. Our old one finally gave out (18 y.o.), and I also purchased a new grill tray and a grill brush.

It is going to be a busy week for me with meetings to prepare for next week. Plus,I have to get things ready to take with me as I'm going to be at the Medina, Ohio Border's Bookstore on Saturday, March 21st. Hope to see you there! I would love to meet and share with you.

Take care, be safe, and have a blessed week!
Until next time,
My best to you!
Becky :)

Wed. morning, March 11, 2009

Hello, Everyone,
The week and a half flew by and I was really busy doing so many things. Catching up on website entries, speaking engagements, work, outside yard work, inside work, meetings, etc. I didn't have an opportunity to blog for a while. Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it and am honored to hear from you!

The new kitty is really settling in. It seems she has been her for a long time. She and Tooter are starting to play a little bit, and that is good. Tigger is even sleeping with us at night now.

I spoke to the attendees at the Canton Public Library last week. I gave them various literature on domestic violence, coercion, abuse and more to those attending, plus copies of my sequel.

I was asked by a fellow author, (lady author-not sure why the gender has to say: Fellow author- when it is a female author), but anyway, I was invited to sign up at a new website for writers and authors. The website is: www.bookmasons.ing.com and I am looking forward to writing my thoughts and being a part of this new website. There is a section on family violence and abuse. I'm going to have my web guy put the link on my website as soon as he can.

Last week, Bobby Cutts, Jr. made it in the news again. He wants another trial! What an atrocity and a joke. More taxpayers dollars to be spent on this jerk/woman/baby-killer. He just doesn't get it. He is guilty. Admitted he killed her, and what?? Prison life isn't what he expected? He is there at our expense.

Another thing that really gripes me. Bernie Madoff is pleading guilty. Of course he made a deal and will be naming names, and will go to prison for 75 years. Well, for however long he lasts in prison, we get to "keep" the little weasel while he is in there. He should be shipped to the Sahara Desert and left there. I even emailed Glenn Beck and told him this.

Check out the new review I received from Greg Q. in Canada. He read my sequel and liked it very much.

Gotta go for now. I'll try to post later in the week or on Sunday morning as usual.
The warmer weather here has started the daffodils coming up and my crocus are blooming! Wonderful signs of spring. Oh. I counted 11 frogs in the pond this week. They all survived so far and the pond liner is back down. Yeah!

Stay safe. Have a great week!
Hugs,
Becky :)

Sun. morning, March 1, 2009

Hello Everyone,
Thanks so much for stopping by and visiting. It is always an uplifting experience and grand feeling to hear from you too!

Hubby called me at home the other day. I had just gotten home from being in town. He locked his keys in his car. So I found the spare set, drove into the off-school parking lot and retrieved them from his car. Then I took them to his classroom, and handed them to him. He was slightly embarrassed. (Been there, done that too.) While I was there, he asked me to wait a minute. He picked up the phone and told me to wait because someone wanted to meet me. Well,shortly thereafter, a young gal was at the door. I went over and hubby introduced me. She read my first book (three times), and was thrilled to meet "the author". She told me she has given my book to other girls in school to read. She also told me she thought it was a terrific and an awesome book and she learned so much by reading it. Well, needless to say I was thrilled with this assessment of my book and meeting a young reader of it! Yeah! That was my main purpose for writing it! Education and awareness of a young girl going through violence, coercion, abuse, choices, and so much more. Ashley is a delightful and enthusiastic young lady. Hubby says she is one of his better students.

She told me she would like to go into Psychology or a related field and helping victims of violence and abuse. I told her that would be a good thing as there is a need for help speaking out for victims of abuse to understand what they are going through and they need a voice to speak up for them.

The rain we had recently sure helped the pond water level. It is up to normal now. Although the liner is still up in places. The ground is saturated and I don't look for the liner to go down anytime soon. I did manage to put another large rock on the liner and it took it down somewhat.

I'm looking forward to speaking at the Canton Public Library tomorrow. I have printed out bookmarks, folded information sheets on my books, and a variety of information sheets on D.V. and abuse, plus some uplifting pages as well for those attending. Anytime I can speak to a group to educate them is such a blessing to me!

The other day when it was warm, I heard some birds singing in the tall Poplar tree in the back yard. I looked up and it was two Bluebirds. Yeah! They are my favorite little bird. I did see a Robin the other day as well. Spring is just around the corner and I'll be so glad when it gets here. There is so much work to be done outside, and I'm anxious and getting antsy to start on the dead stuff around the pond and in my numerous flower beds. I will have to use my trusty wheelbarrow and have a major pick-up day (s)for all the debris everywhere.

I was able to procure a book signing at Roxy's Read in Amherst, Ohio in May. It is a quaint little book store and I'm looking forward to being there and meeting the owner, Debbie. Watch for it being posted here on the website for directions.

It is going to be a busy week this week with speaking engagements, meetings, work, and more so time to go for now.
Take care, be safe, and think spring!
My best to you,
Becky :)